Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!