My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.