Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.