The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?