My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.