My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?