I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?