When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.