When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.