The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds