Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.