Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.