Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.