There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.