Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!