Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress