Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.