I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.