Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.