“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.