I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?