Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds