Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
How do you milk an almond?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.