There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!