My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive