i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”