It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.