“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.