If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.