That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.