I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.