In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.