You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.