The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.