Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”