If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*