Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.