Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s