I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.