I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?