If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”