My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.