I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.