Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??