Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.