*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.