I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.