which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.