So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.