The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.