The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.