*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim